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LANCASTER, UK - A panel of highly
trained psychologists issued last
night the long-awaited verdict in
the case of a suspicious
thesis-in-progress at Lancaster
University. PhD Student Albrecht S.
was found guilty to hiding
subliminal messages in his thesis
(short messages hidden within the
text that the reader unconsciously
picks up).
Total
catastrophe was averted when his
colleagues noticed a change in the
author's behaviour, leading to the
investigation prior to the
submission of the thesis. "People
were eager to read the thesis as
soon as it was finished, so we are
glad we found out in time.",
reveals co-worker Martin S., "Who
knows what would have happened if
this had been published on the
internet?"
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Noticeably shaken, Albrecht S.
hears the verdict of the panel: it
has been discovered that his thesis
contains subliminal messages.
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"The first signs
were still vague,", adds colleague
Gerd K., "but we got suspicious
when proof-readers were exhilarated
and described it as the best piece
of literature they've encountered
in ages. And this just after
reading 'Appendix B: Abbreviations
of USB-Compliant Data Transfer
Protocols' ? I think
not!"
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Subliminal messages in the thesis
of Albrecht S. ranged from
'wow! can't believe how cool
this thesis is' and
'needs nomination for Nobel
price', to 'must buy
Aldi merchandise'.
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Apart from
messages praising the contents of
the thesis, most subliminal
messages referred to brands,
leading investigators to suspect
that companies had been donating
money to appear in the thesis. "I
dislike fish, but I suddenly had
this urge to go out to buy some
German smoked fish at the
local Aldi store.", reveals
colleague Mark T. "It didn't take
long to figure out why, as I just
finished reading the introduction
of this thesis."
When
confronted with the accusations,
Albrecht S. told us in an
interview: "Ridiculous! I can look
you straight in the eyes and say: I
am innocent! I.. am.. innocent..".
Obviously, he is innocent.
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